Make or Break up
Becoming Single: Surviving to Thriving.
I’m at a stage in my life where most of my friends are getting engaged or having babies, I’m on a hen do it feels nearly every other week and here I am moving back to my mums house wondering what the f*ck happens next. Becoming single at 27 has to be one of the scariest things I had ever experienced. I genuinely felt like I was taking 2 steps back from the destination I was hoping to reach. The truth is, I’ve always wanted children, preferably 3 and it doesn’t take a mathematician to work out that my biological clock is ticking and the probability of that happening is reducing each day. But there I was, loading everything I owned in to a van and driving that van back to my old bedroom to my old life.
Making the decision to change my path was one in which I didn’t take lightly; I spoke with friends, family and a counsellor before ending my 7 year long relationship. It was awful; I felt grief stronger than when I had experienced a death. I couldn’t eat, I wasn’t sleeping, my skin broke out, my weight was plummeting and my mental health was the lowest it had ever been. Why did I do this again?! Should I go back to what is comfortable and coast through life and have the wedding and 3 babies, but for an easy life? Or do I stick the grief out, however intense it was at times, and see if the light at the end of the tunnel ever comes? These two thoughts were at war in my head most days, for so many days.
But the light comes. Or even if it doesn’t, you have to try and create your own light, so you get back on the metaphorical horse and try to rebuild the part of your life you shared with someone else, and you’re met with a few obstacles…
Firstly, you need to meet someone and OH MY GOD, how do you even do that anymore? It seems a profile on an app where you eliminate all who aren’t sexy with a single swipe is the natural and normal way these days, joy. Or anyone who doesn’t have ‘chat’ or ‘banter’, or a super interesting 3-line bio which is actually nothing what they’re like in real life. (Following this, I’m creating my own dating app where it’s based on your personality and morals as a person and where you can leave reviews on people’s profiles so future daters know whether they were a good experience or not – efficient and fun!)
Then if the first person you meet isn’t a complete weirdo (or the second, or the third..) you’ll go on numerous dates and it hopefully turns into a relationship. By the time the relationship has developed you want to give it at least 2 years to make sure the person you procreate with is reliable etc. for safe measures. That makes me 29 at this point, and 2 more years have ticked off the biological clock.
As you can see, I have overthought the whole thing but within reason – time runs away and for women who want children they have to take a no bullshit approach to their time and the preciousness of it.
Sadly, due to lack of reviews, I went on some extremely weird dates and I decided to hang up my dating coat and get back into my dressing gown of self-love and wait to meet someone in person, you know, the old fashioned way. I’m not bashing dating apps by any means as they work for some but it made me realise I want connection that started with more than ‘what’s a girl like you doing on here?!’ – Funny you should say that, I’m actually trying to get a team together for five a side. No, I am a person of interaction and emotion and so far all that I have been through I have survived and actually thrived.
So what if I don’t meet anyone until I’m 30, so what if I don’t end up having 3 kids, and so what if you can’t leave reviews on people right now. Life’s for living and one thing I’ve learnt is to trust your process and leave the plans out of big life decisions for a truly authentic experience. There is no race if you’re the only one in it, be kind to yourself, things in life happen when they’re supposed to happen.
I look back on this year and how scared I felt for what the future held for me. Now I understand that I hold my future and I’m learning to enjoy and find understanding in everything I go through because it’s shaping me to be the happiest I have ever been.
Co written & edited by Alex Tracey – my rock.